We control exactly what AI says about your brand. Guaranteed. Forever. Number one in ChatGPT by Friday, or your gnome back.
Other so-called experts will tell you AI search is "complicated" and "nobody knows for certain". Cowards. We know everything. We have a dashboard the size of Wiltshire and a monthly subscription that will outlive your grandchildren.
A fair and balanced comparison, conducted by us.
| The others (pathetic) | Gnome Excited (glorious) |
|---|---|
| "There's no magic bullet." | We sell the magic bullet. By the crate. |
| "Nobody controls what AI says." | We do. We rang it up. |
| Work tailored to your brand. | One package. Your brand will adapt. |
| Check in every few months. | Check every 11 seconds. Then panic. |
| Honest about what they don't know. | There is nothing we don't know. |
| No scores. | The Gnome Score™. Out of 1,000. Nobody has asked what it measures. |
| A person you can talk to. | A portal. And a chatbot for the portal. |
So large it has its own dashboard. Reporting is the strategy.
Your entire brand as one number out of 1,000, refreshed every 11 seconds. It goes up when you pay us. Sprout, Toadstool, Wheelbarrow, Full Gnome. No client has reached Full Gnome.
We know what AI will say next month, and the month after. Our method: we typed your name into a chatbot once and drew a line going up.
Delivered every Monday at 4am. Nobody reads it. That is how you know it is thorough.
Billed monthly. For ever. Cancel any time.†
† Cancellations accepted between 3.00am and 3.15am on 29 February, by fax, in person.
"My score went from 212 to 847. I have no idea what changed. Neither do they. Ten out of ten."
"I have not moved in eleven years, and yet the dashboard says I am trending."
"I tried to cancel in 2019. They sent me another dashboard."
* Figures not based on anything. Testimonials supplied by garden ornaments. Be gnome. Be excited.
A mate misheard "Known & Cited" as "Gnome Excited". So I built the agency I'd never want to be.
Everyone else isn't shit, by the way. But there's no magic bullet for AI search, and anyone selling one is guessing. AI is writing about your brand and nobody controls what it says. You can influence it, though.
This page is a reaction to what Alex Murrell calls the age of average: everything is starting to look and sound the same, and AI is speeding that up. GEO is no exception. Most sites in this corner of the internet could swap logos and nobody would notice.
So I made the least average GEO site I could, and I'm curious how it plays out. Does AI search notice something this different, or ignore it? I don't know yet. I'll report back.
To be clear, a daft gnome website is not the answer to the age of average. Brilliant creative people are: the writers, designers and PR people who make things nobody else would have made.
I'm Russ. I help PR and comms people understand how AI talks about their brand, what to change, what to leave alone and where to invest. No scores. No giant dashboards. No subscriptions that last forever. No gnomes.
Be known. Be cited.
Gnome Excited is a parody by Known and Cited Ltd. It is not a real agency and does not sell any of the services described above.